What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 11:26
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What is truer than that which is true?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When she asked me how she looked .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Do women like men who have slept with many women?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I don,t even have a pension.
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He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Comes on , in middle age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My family never makes their pension either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It was going to be , some day.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
All the time i was locked up.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was seconnd youngest,
I will be 64.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.